Downheregirl89's Blog

{April 15, 2013}   So Life Is RIP’d Away

See ya later Aunt Wilda.  May 1926- April 1, 2013

Eating chicken and dunkling (as a child I had trouble saying dumplings, which came out as dunklins) will never be the same now, nor will getting a new angel in my collection, or adpotting another kitty. While you left this world behind your memories and wisdom will live on. We’ll love and miss you, but still we’ll see you soon.


In memory of Wilda “Peewee” Corken Myles


{March 13, 2013}   Where Tears Are Many

Just spoke with mom today and was told my Aunt Wilda who suffered from the stroke back in October(?) is being brought home by my cousin of some degree. Aunt Wilda is refusing to eat now, along with the lingering effects from the stroke and her alztimers, we suspect that she has given up the will to live. Growing up I remember Aunt Wilda would ALWAYS make 2 huge pots of homemade chicken and dumplins for me when mom and I came to my grandparents. Aunt Wilda was also the person who got me into collecting angels and cat figurines. I’m sad that the stroke wiped away 20+ years of her memories and that she will be dying with people that she doesn’t remember around her, but I hope that she will feel our love. I know that I will see Aunt Wilda in heaven when I get there, but that won’t help the pain of her passing here and now. She will leave my granny as the last “Corken”, which mean both of my grandparents will be orphans here on earth now. I know it won’t be easy on any of us, but I do ask everyone to keep my family in prayers that God will keep his promise to wipe away every tear from our eyes. Thanks.

{January 12, 2013}   Hopefully Cautious

Well, we are now on day 12 of 2013. I’m trying to be hopeful with how this year will turn out but remain cautious because of the news on taxes going up, politicians ignoring the constitution (yet again, big surprise), my plans on getting back into school, ect.

The biggest news at this point is that I do now have another job. I now work for one of the barns that had interviewed me during the summer whose other employee at the time chose to take on the extra hours but who has now moved on. I started train with this barn back on December 26th and seem to be doing well at this point. I’m enjoying being back at work and pulling in a paycheck. This barn is already teaching me quite a bit. The side that I’m working has 30 horses all of whom get different feed, and supplements. The feed here is actually weighed where as every other place that I’ve worked was just a scoop of food. Theses horses also get hay in a different manner in that some of the hay racks are “packed” others are “full”. I have also learned how to drive a 4 wheeler, and the first time that I got on the thing I ended up running myself over (smooth I know), but all I ended up with is a pretty looking bruise on my calf.

Mom is doing well and plans on retiring from teaching at the end of the year. No idea yet if she will be going back to school to get her Doctorate degree or if she will get another job or if she’s fed up enough to tell the government to shove it. With her birthday being next month I need to find her a birthday gift….hmmm, what to get?….. I know that we will be attending the charity Mardi-gras ball back home at the end of the month. Other than that not much to report.

I guess I’ll blog again later because that’s all I’ve got for now. Hope everyone has a great 2013.

{December 10, 2012}   Good Bye 2012

Thank gosh 2012 is almost over! This year has brought more tears than laughter.

In the past week my birthday was the high point. Two days after I celebrated my 23rd birthday with my mom and some friends, I received a call from the lady that I had been working for since I moved here in June. She stated that due to some situations that have come up in her life that she could no longer afford to employ me, so I lost my job. This is really hard on me because I no longer live at home and have bills that are due. The trouble that I have with finding a replacement job is the same as always, I’m either over qualified because I’ve had some college education but no degree, or I’m under qualified for the same reason.  Since then I’ve had a cop from my home town looking for me for a fellow cop in central FL. I called them back and they were looking for me to see if I had any info on a possible case that they want to connect my big brother to that happened in 1976 (I wasn’t conceived until 13 years later, so I don’t have info for them and if I did it would be hearsay which is inadmissible in court of law). So my mother’s hope that maybe my dad left me trust fund has been dashed. The people who I have my car loan through apparently didn’t get the memo that I moved and had transferred my insurance, so they called mom last week to ask why she had canceled the FL insurance back in Aug/Sept (why they waited so long I have no idea), and to tell mom that they needed proof of my insurance by tomorrow, and they called her on a Friday. I’ve been sick with a cold this past week as well.

Back in July my favorite band announced that they would no long be together and be doing ministry on the road as a band. This is the same band who 10 years ago God used to open my heart to know that not only did God love me but that I was loveable to others. As much as it breaks my heart now to hear my brothers on the radio or on cd now, I know that they feel that God is calling them to other things at this season in their lives. I was blessed to see my brothers twice this year, and many many times over the past 10 years. I’ve met so many amazing friends and have even more siblings now because of my band.

The move this past June was hard. This is the first time that I’ve lived on my own, and have had to stand by myself. I don’t have to worry about waking my mom up if I get back from a trip somewhere at 2 am, I don’t have to hold myself accountable to anyone but God. I have to cook and clean and be the adult that I was raised to be. That does not mean that my family no long has my back it just means that I have to let go of my pride in asking for help if I need it.

So it will be with great relief to see 2012 to pass into the annals of history. While it started out great it, it leaves with unhappiness. It has left a legacy of growth and of growing pains. It has taught me the true meaning of sacrifice and faith; It has shown me who I can count on and how to be counted on . So “Dos V Don ya” (russian for good-bye) 2012

{November 5, 2012}   Bird of Pray

Two weeks ago I went home to take care of my mom because she had surgery on her leg again. I was able to stay at home until the last Sunday of October and was able to attend the church that I grew up in. One of the dear ladies in the choir sang the following song: . While this song was being sung I was struck by the line where it talks about “rise up like an eagle” and thought about eagles flying. For those of my readers who have never seen a bird of prey circling in the sky, I’m sorry I can’t describe the majesty or freedom that they seem to have in the sky. but what are they really doing circling in the sky? I like to think that these majestic birds are looking for an opportunity to get an easy meal or being on the look out for something that could threaten their nests and babies.

If these hyposis are correct then how are these birds any different from the way that I as a christian am supposed to live? In Matthew 25:14-30 Christ told the parable of the talents. In this parable it speaks of a man who left the country he lived in and gave 3 of his servants different amounts of talents, the first servant her gave 5 talents, the second servant was given 2 talents, and the third servant was given 1 talent. The man then left on his journey in the belief that his servants would make use and grow the wealth they were given. The first went and traded (what was traded is not the point) but he gained 5 more talents from this trade. The second servant also did something with what he was given and gained another 2, the third man however thought that because he only had 1 that it would be pointless to look for an opportunity to gain more than what he had and so buried the 1 talent he was given and gained nothing. The owner/master returned from his trip and inquired after what he had left his servants and the servants gave their reports. The first two the master was pleased with what they had accomplished but the third because he had wasted the opportunity to gain more  the master was put-out with to say it nicely.
How is that different from what we as christians do? God places people and things and sends us places trusting us to trust his plan for us. How many of us question God when we follow what we think he’s telling us only to question him when we don’t get that job that we need, or the house ends up falling through or nothing seems to work the way we think it should (i KNOW i do). Could it be that we should “rise up like the eagle and soar” with Christ? Could those failings be God granting us a chance to look for opportunities in which to serve those around us and bring honor and glory to him? In verse 30 the  following is said: “And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” By this point most of my friends and family know that I’m against the “works” doctrine where a persons salvation is dependant on what they do not who they believe in. They also know that although I believe that we as christians should go and witness to people, I don’t think that just telling people about Christ and that they will go to hell if they don’t accept him as Lord, is the right way and that’s because so many “christian talk the talk but don’t walk the walk so when they tell people their beliefs and testimonies it’s kinda difficult to get the unsaved on the saved side because of the thoughts of  “well I see you doing everything I do, but your supposed to set a different example” type thinking. But that doesn’t give me a pass to bury my talent and not try to find the opportunity to do what God trusted me with and commanded me to do.

So what are we to do? I think the first step many of us need to do is…pray. How many times have I asked God “why” and not asked “where” instead of asking why isn’t this working out maybe I should be asking where should I be working? Could it be that I am in the right place but not the right mind frame? What would happen if I asked the God of heaven and earth to show/allow me a opportunity, how radically different would my life and the world be? If I would just wait (again w/ the patience thing?!) God would most likely blow my mind. All I have to do is “rise up like the eagle, and I will soar with you, your spirit leads me on.” I have to get my butt up in the air and look for what’s around me . As you can tell God has REALLY been stepping on my toes this year. Can I challenge you to try this a week with me? Let’s see what the Lord of  Heaven and Earth can do with a week.

{October 20, 2012}   Back to Reality

I’m still looking for a second job, which is now more important since the school that had conditionally accepted me as out-of-state last year has decided that they don’t want me (or my thousands of dollars) for the 2013/2014 school year. I’m weighing my options in regards to that, whether to try to get into a local community college or to work for another two years and try to get into my first choice school for the 2014/2015 year (which would put me graduating around the age of  29/30, which could qualify me for more scholarships since I would be a minority at the school by being an older female”). To do that though would put my chosen career in jeopardy though because to become a Nashville police officer you have to get in and through boot camp by 30/35.

Mom is having surgery this coming Thursday on her leg again. Her leg has continued to swell which caused concern since it’s been about 4 yrs since she broke her ankle, an ultrasound was done on her leg and it was determined that her valves in her veins weren’t working right (blood goes down but not back up), so this surgery is supposed to  fix the valves.

My family has experienced another death this year, my great-aunt Joy who lived not too far from mom and I died a few months ago, her death leave my grandpa as the last surviving member of his family. My great-aunt Wilda suffered a serious stroke about a month ago and is very slowly recovering the use of her left side, but it was serious enough that I told my boss that if I got a call I would be heading to my grandparents, but thankfully aunt Wilda is getting better.

One of my cats has been sick, so I’m taking her to the vet soon in an attempt to find out why she is sick since I can’t find a reason, and to attempt to lower my shopping and water bill (I’ve gone through 6 gal. of bleach in a week, due to her using the bath tub instead of the litter box).

Still mourning the loss of Downhere, and that will probably last a while since it’s just now sinking in. I was luck to see my brothers in concert one last time in a nearby city. I do need to admit that my car will be thankful since I won’t be driving hundreds of miles every few months to get to concerts any more, but I will miss the traveling and “mental sanity” vacations.

With everything that’s been going on in the past few months I’m glad to say that 2012 is officially on its way out and can be tossed in the garbage bin of history never to be seen again. My faith has taken knocks and been reaffirmed only to get shoved off the mountain again. It’s been a year of growth and worry. We’ll see how the rest of the year goes, and then will look forward to 2013.

{August 19, 2012}   summer 2012 update

Ok, i know this is LONG over due….well so much has happened, where to start? I gues the biggest tid bit is that i moved from the house that i had been concived in and into my own place over 6/7 hours away. The move went fairly well, execpt that my move in was a bit bumpy due to a computer issue, it had showed that my unit would be open on june 18, but the tenant before me didn’t move out until the 18th so the company that owns the apartment had to put me in the corpreate unit for a week….i’m still working w/ horses only now i’m learning about the breeding and sales side of the horse world. I am looking for a 2nd job but i’m getting the “your over quailfied due to having some college but no degree, but also being under quailified for the same reason” or i’m getting the “you need more experence”, just a hint…people won’t get the level of experince that you want unless you or someone gives them the chance to gain that experince, but then what do i know being almost 23. Being on my own is nice since i can stay out however long i want and not have to worry about being quiet if i get in late, but got i got to admit… the quality of the food is iffy at best (i’ve haven’t landed myself in the er yet, which is a blessing). More recently i have been in mourning for i got an email from the best christian rock band in the world ( if you’ve been to my blog before, i’ll give 1 guess to who it is) is breaking up and as of january 1 will no longer be proforming together or making music together execpt on a rare occasion if they feel god calling them to it. This band has been such apart of my life for the past 10 yrs that it was a shock and got to admit a great crash diet….i swear i lost 5 pounds that first week following the email, but it may have been water weight from crying. I’m still struggling to come to terms w/ this.

“The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none” Thomas Carlyle

Some people seem to believe that when someone claims to be a christian that person develops a “holier than thou” complex…and some do, however being a christian by no means makes a person perfect. We’re not SINless , but we can sinLESS…. One of the biggest things I struggle with as a christian is my pride, I do not believe that a person who is perfectly capable of working should receive food stamps or a check from the government every month. The next biggest thing I struggle with is my hard time of giving mercy to others, I have met some people who for some airheaded reason told me that cheating on one’s husband/bf was something that was joke worthy material, while I have forgiven them I still struggle with how I trust their word and am also very hypocritical of the way that interact with them; I have seen these people make fun of someone just because of the job that was held, when this person claimed that a guy had to be homosexual because they worked as a make-up artist, I asked this person if that ment that a female cop or firefighter must also be homosexual, to which the reply that I received was that “that’s different” , in that same conversation where they called this guy a homo and said that his worked sucked they also bragged about going to my church and about going to a well-known “christian” school (which is well-known for the pharisees it tends to produce), some of you might be able to see why I have a problem with these people but I ask how is this any different from what I do on a daily basis?

On any given day I may let loose some choice words while in traffic and I might claim to be doing something other than what I’m really doing. Or I might get snippy with my mother or be disrespectful to her behind her back (I’m an eye roller),or I might look at someone on the street and jump to conclusions about what brought them to live on the street. I might see a story on the news that make my blood boil and I get angry and wish that the worst thing will happen to the person that did whatever it is that made the news, I could get jealous of people who are better off that I am and wish that our places were switched even though I don’t know exactly what it is that they are going though.

To God all of my sins no matter how small are just as big as the sins of a killer rapist; there is no such thing as a “little white lie”, it’s still a lie. If everyone were to give up gossip for lent how do you think the world would be in 40 days? Many things are started because of gossip. What if we gave up judging others before we knew them? How about giving up lying (politics might be tolerable)? Or what about giving up on our tempers? The issue lies not in what is wrong in the world but in what is wrong in me and in how I respond to the situations that I face. So I ask my readers to think what problems do you face and how do you project the perfectness of Christ.

title: Problem by Downhere, Ending Is Beginning album 2008, Centricity Records

{January 30, 2012}   Some Scars Never Leave

I found out this morning that the church which I attend is now in mourning. Our Minister of music, died suddenly last night… Marc was very passionate about his job and was loved father and husband.Mr. Marc has a daughter who is in my sunday school class, I know personally what she is going though and about to go through over the next few years, because my own father died almost 17 yrs ago… the loss of one’s parent is not like the flu or mono or even cancer where your life is back to normal and your completely healed in a matter of days,weeks, months, or even years…some of the most insulting things that I’ve been told (or heard) over the years are things that many think will help someone who is grieving feel better.. to tell someone that “your loved one is in a better place” or that the loved one is “no longer in pain” belittles the person who is grieving and belittles their emotions… to tell someone who just lost a loved one that “God has a plan for this” or that “Maybe this was God’s way of preventing something” is a slap to the face. People sometimes blame God for taking their loved on too soon and so may not like being told that they should be thanking God at this point in their life. Even something as innocent as “time will heal your wounds” is  the wrong thing to say, because yes time can and does mute the pain and people learn to cope but the loss of a parent is not something that ever goes away completely, it is a scar that will be carried the rest of their  lives… so if someone you know has lost a parent until you go through the same loss, rethink what you plan to say because it may come across wrong and cause more pain to an already painful ordeal.

{January 19, 2012}   Just A Girl

Like every female on this planet, I have my hang ups about my body, sometimes it takes days to break that spell (and normally a spanking from my heavenly father) other times I quickly rethink my thoughts. My hang ups started early, though my outward appearance was never stressed at home while I was growing up, there came a point in mid elementary school that my outward looks started to interfere with how I was treated by my teachers and classmates….and the issues I faced continued into middle and high school. It seems that the world’s answer for all of the bodily issues we face is to eat less (and better) and exercise more, but with the birth of the BMI chart standards many (including those in the medical profession) have forgotten that there is no cookie cutter solution to what is a healthy weight and what is not….I have been told by a dream job of mine that I would be allowed to follow the job until my weight was down to a max of 120 (for those who know me, know me; you know that my body would never support that low of a weight), so I’m working at different place….I shovel well over 500 lbs of horse poo in less than 3 and 1/2 hours, 3 days a week..and sometime I do even more of that when I pick up and extra barn job…not only to i shovel poo, but the hay bales alone weigh about 50+ lbs, the feed bags that we get every 2 weeks weigh 50 lbs each (12 bags at a time) and the smallest horse that I deal with is about 500-800 lbs, the largest weighs in at about 1200-1500lbs. I’d like to see a lot of those bone thin models that walk the runways and who are espoused as being beautiful and healthy do my job for just one day.

Everytime I go to my doctor when I’m sick they “talk” about my weight and diet, and every time they also ask about my families medical history, which includes thyroid issues, and anemia (which being a female I’m 2xs as like to get that due to natural things that my body goes through)… that never seems to be listened to….I have friends who suffer from other medical conditions that they were born with that makes them more prone to being over weight and yet for some reason people tell to eat less and exercise more, when people don’t consider if we might have medical problems and then open their uneducated mouths the words cut us just as much as a knife.

I played with Barbies growing up but I KNEW that it was a doll, and not an actual representation of real people, but with today’s society when plastic surgery is the answer to all prayers kids are getting lost in the message, they see the people they adore going in for a nose job because the idol has a slight bump on the nose, or the idol is 16 yrs old with a c cup chest so into an office they go and out they walk with an “impressive”  set of dd’s. Part of the blame lies in the media, part of it lies in the church for failing in its job to lead people, part lies in parents who expect perfection out of imperfect people. Part lies in the medical profession for giving so many mixed studies as to what is/is not healthy and part of the blame lies with companies who are willing to exploit human weakness by claiming to bottle true beauty.

Am I content with my body, ha! far from it… I admit I can stand to lose a fair amount of weight but I’m not willing to “diet” in the general term, I’ve tried that before and though I did lose weight I also stopped having things that at 12/13 I should have had, and after a few months of reprieve from that torture which I must endure for the time being, I began to gain the weight back and started right back up.

So where do I go from here, obviously can not knock sense into people, nor can I tell them to stop spewing diarrhea of the mouth. Until there is more acceptance in what is classified as healthy/not healthy all it seems I can do is live my life, continue working and mock the skinny people for becoming zippers when they stick their tongue out and turning sideways (j/k). Are there ways that could give my self-esteem a boost when I need it, sure. Guys if you have female friends or girlfriends tell them that they are drop dead beautiful for no apparent reason (and remind us on a regular basis that you think we are attractive, we normally have the most body issues when a girl we think is more pretty than we are is near by, so NO checking out that cute girl while we can see you doing it), guys if you go to a dance and see “the fat girl” standing in a corner go ask her to dance with you. Send flowers to a female friend (you don’t have to put your name on the card). For me it would be little things like that that would mean the most, each girl is different but it’s worth a try.

So please be aware of what you say and think about whether the person you’re talking about might have an underlying condition(s) that you can not see.

et cetera