Just A Girl

Like every female on this planet, I have my hang ups about my body, sometimes it takes days to break that spell (and normally a spanking from my heavenly father) other times I quickly rethink my thoughts. My hang ups started early, though my outward appearance was never stressed at home while I was growing up, there came a point in mid elementary school that my outward looks started to interfere with how I was treated by my teachers and classmates….and the issues I faced continued into middle and high school. It seems that the world’s answer for all of the bodily issues we face is to eat less (and better) and exercise more, but with the birth of the BMI chart standards many (including those in the medical profession) have forgotten that there is no cookie cutter solution to what is a healthy weight and what is not….I have been told by a dream job of mine that I would be allowed to follow the job until my weight was down to a max of 120 (for those who know me, know me; you know that my body would never support that low of a weight), so I’m working at different place….I shovel well over 500 lbs of horse poo in less than 3 and 1/2 hours, 3 days a week..and sometime I do even more of that when I pick up and extra barn job…not only to i shovel poo, but the hay bales alone weigh about 50+ lbs, the feed bags that we get every 2 weeks weigh 50 lbs each (12 bags at a time) and the smallest horse that I deal with is about 500-800 lbs, the largest weighs in at about 1200-1500lbs. I’d like to see a lot of those bone thin models that walk the runways and who are espoused as being beautiful and healthy do my job for just one day.

Everytime I go to my doctor when I’m sick they “talk” about my weight and diet, and every time they also ask about my families medical history, which includes thyroid issues, and anemia (which being a female I’m 2xs as like to get that due to natural things that my body goes through)… that never seems to be listened to….I have friends who suffer from other medical conditions that they were born with that makes them more prone to being over weight and yet for some reason people tell to eat less and exercise more, when people don’t consider if we might have medical problems and then open their uneducated mouths the words cut us just as much as a knife.

I played with Barbies growing up but I KNEW that it was a doll, and not an actual representation of real people, but with today’s society when plastic surgery is the answer to all prayers kids are getting lost in the message, they see the people they adore going in for a nose job because the idol has a slight bump on the nose, or the idol is 16 yrs old with a c cup chest so into an office they go and out they walk with an “impressive”  set of dd’s. Part of the blame lies in the media, part of it lies in the church for failing in its job to lead people, part lies in parents who expect perfection out of imperfect people. Part lies in the medical profession for giving so many mixed studies as to what is/is not healthy and part of the blame lies with companies who are willing to exploit human weakness by claiming to bottle true beauty.

Am I content with my body, ha! far from it… I admit I can stand to lose a fair amount of weight but I’m not willing to “diet” in the general term, I’ve tried that before and though I did lose weight I also stopped having things that at 12/13 I should have had, and after a few months of reprieve from that torture which I must endure for the time being, I began to gain the weight back and started right back up.

So where do I go from here, obviously can not knock sense into people, nor can I tell them to stop spewing diarrhea of the mouth. Until there is more acceptance in what is classified as healthy/not healthy all it seems I can do is live my life, continue working and mock the skinny people for becoming zippers when they stick their tongue out and turning sideways (j/k). Are there ways that could give my self-esteem a boost when I need it, sure. Guys if you have female friends or girlfriends tell them that they are drop dead beautiful for no apparent reason (and remind us on a regular basis that you think we are attractive, we normally have the most body issues when a girl we think is more pretty than we are is near by, so NO checking out that cute girl while we can see you doing it), guys if you go to a dance and see “the fat girl” standing in a corner go ask her to dance with you. Send flowers to a female friend (you don’t have to put your name on the card). For me it would be little things like that that would mean the most, each girl is different but it’s worth a try.

So please be aware of what you say and think about whether the person you’re talking about might have an underlying condition(s) that you can not see.

Have I Left A Legacy?

 

the following is a song called Legacy, and i think this is a good place to start this blog

Nicole Nordeman

Today while shopping at a local mall with my mom, I happened to go into a store where a former NJROTC classmate of mine works, she and I got to talking [not that difficult ] and she mentioned some big things that were going on in her life and I hope that what I said to her reflected on who I am as a daughter of Christ. There is so much hurt happening in the world today, and to prove it, I  dare you to turn on any major news channel and watch for a few hours. People are debating whether those who receive welfare should take drug test to qualify just like many who work for a living are required by their jobs to take, people are debating when life starts and whether its ethical to have a abortion…where do these issues start and who should be responsable for trying to fix these issues?

I believe that these issues start way back at the beginning of time, when Adam at of the fruit from tree of good and evil after Eve tempted him with it, but who is now responsable for fixing the issues we face? The church has failed in it’s job…so people have turned to the government. One of the commandments that Christ gave to the church was to help the fatherless and widows…from experince I can attest to the fact that few churches have programs designed to minister to single parents or to people who have lost their parents from something other than old age…another thing the church was told was to “Love one another as Christ first loved you”…thats kinda hard to do when you have all these little cliques and people are starting rumors left and right or when you see someone who looks different from you and judge them based on nothing more that the style or band of clothing that they wear. I have visited a few churches over the years while traveling that NO one came to introduce themselves to visitors.

People judge the church and Christ himself by what we as “christians” (which means little Christ) say and do, now i’m not saying to have to be sinless but we can sinLESS. Sometimes all it takes is to live your life (which i find to be the best testimony, because it opens up questions as to WHY you act as you do, and not just talking the talk), while not everyone will fawn over you because you act nice (you’re not a christian to get your feathers stroked) and while you may be mocked or even killed in some places because you proclaim the word of Christ.

I think it’s time that we as a church take back our image and work to leave a better legacy than what we had coming into the faith. It’s time we got involved in the whats going on in the world and stop hiding our heads in the sand, or drowning ourselves when it rains because we have our nose in the air. Its time for us to vote and get involved in the lives of those hurting (whether the folks brought on themselves by bad choices or not). We need to do everything we can, because if we do not stand up for what is right and can define what “Truth” is then there will be no hope left for so many, the world in which we live will continue to get worse..you go to a doctor to get medicine to feel better, but you won’t feel better if you don’t take what the doctor gives you, and sometimes that medicine tastes nasty and is hard to swallow.

I’ve included the following  song by my favorite band called Downhere, the song is called The Problem and this song is from their 2008 album called Ending Is Begining

live profromance of The Problem

“There’s got to be some reason for all this misery. A secret evil corporation somewhere over sea. They’re pulling stings, arranging things. It’s a conspiracy!

Or what about the ones who shape the course of history?What if we petitioned for one grand apology? I’ll write to my prime minister, you write your president.

Everybody’s wondering how the world could get this way. If God is good, and how it could be filled with so much pain? It’s not the age-old mystery we’ve made it out to be. Yeah, there’s a problem with the world. And the problem with the world is me.

Some will say the devil and his legions. They put in a head lock of submission. But they lost all power over me. A long,long time ago.

And since I was a kid you know I’ve caused a lot of hurt. And no one ever taught me how to put myself first. It came so very naturally. But I’m nt a prodigy.

So I will look no further than a mirror. That’s where the offender hides. So great is my need for a redeemer. That I cannot trust myself. No, I cannot trust myself. I dare not trust myself. So I trust in someone else.

The sooner you can sing along. The sooner you can sing this song. The happier we’ll be. The problem with the world is me.”

so the year ends

so the year 2011 comes to a close, in the past year life has change again and again. I’ve grown and matured. I’ve come to accept new truths about the world in which I live and the world in which I believe. I’ve accepted that to some I’m an unwanted intrusion and to others a blessing in a dark world. I continue to try to figure out who I really am…a few months ago I realized that I’m not like others my age, I have things that make me different, and those things are things that I will never be able to change. God has given me a spanking or two over the past year, he’s pointed out more faults in me that need to go, and he’s shown me how I’m sometimes hindering his work in other and that I need to let those people go no matter how painful to my heart it may be. I’ve given up dreams of things that I wish could be. and I’ve been reminded that even though it seems like I’ve lost t all that he’s still “my raincoat and everywhere I may go, I won’t get wet somehow” (Rain Coat,2001 Downhere cd)

maybe in the coming year I’ll learn even more and maybe, just maybe my heart will learn to heal a little bit quicker and I’ll stop dreaming of things which can not be. maybe in the coming year I’ll accept more of who I am and who I am becoming.we’ll just have to watch and see where the new year goes. so for the time being, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. may God of heaven and earth bring you much joy and peace for what is to come your way this year.

update

as of late so much has been going on, i was recently laid off of work, mom may very well get laid off as well. moms car finally bit the dust after giving 1 too many of her “friends” 1 too many free taxi rides so she need to come up w/ about 1,000 dollars to have her engine fixed but in the mean time she plans on using my car to give these free loaders free taxi rides in my car, i wouldn’t have a problem with this if these people would give a little money to help cover gas (40 bucks a week just for me to get to work a week, and doing nothing else) and to help cover basic preventive care for the car like oil changes and tire rotaions but then again the reason they call mom is because unlike the taxi services or the city bus they don’t have to pay anything when she comes and gets them…so mom can pay for the gas and if my car ends up needing major repairs she’ll just have to tell these fat lazy free loaders to walk cause i can barely keep gas in my car just for me to get to work, so o well sucks for them, i can bike if i have to. i feel so much older than my years, went to a s.s. party and had to leave at 8 pm so i could be in bed by 9 and some of the new college kids were like “but your in college kate, why aren’t you gonna stay up with us til 1-2am?” my respons to that was that by being an only child i have responibilitys that they won’t be able to fathom until they are about 15 yrs older than they are now, so few of my friends understand what i go through on a daily basis because i am and only child and because my mother is in her 60s…..hoping to be able to destress a little next weekend when i go down to sfl to visit my older 1/2 brother and a friend of mine,but not sure if i’ll be able to compleately let go,

awkward quitet moments

The awkward quiet moments, each in their own thought brought back memories of loved ones long depart.Dreams of blissful nights and wedding bells that could not be bought. Of  families that had left a gaping hole of misery. The moments stretched into eternity as each wandered in their separate misery not wanting to share a  burden to big for them alone to bury.The hurried looks of lustful longing, the quiet awkwardness of their youth that had passed into the gloom.
Dreams that could be if they’d only learn to share. Passioned nights clinging to the other, wanting to know that someone would always be there.
 The awkward quite  moment started yet again, each yearning to know the others deepest whim.The little things that made the other unable to sleep that night, of the fears lurking behind those sea blue eyes.The deepest fears which brought them to their knees hoping for the morning light. When the light finally came the rest that could overcome that darkness.A darkness so terrible that they had to cling to the other hoping for a rescue. The burning building in the night that happened on that fateful night, when they claimed the other for themselves.
 The night of clandised passion burned them to the core they could not go back but neither were they the same, they knew that the love had somehow changed  in ways that were somehow unfathomable, they each turned inward searching for the answer to what had just happened. Thus the awkward quiet moment passed in the eternity, each left to their own self mutilating desires. They were never the same without the other.Shrouded in darkness, her prince came into view. His triumpet laugher at his conquered foe, as he rushed to his treasure trove. His passion was so intense it worried her at first, but as she surrendered to the dream of having her prince so near, she knew that love was truly real. Their quiet awkward moments had pasted in to the void as they each learned that their love was yet unique. They choose to commit themselves to the other and stop running from their fate. For each was ment for the other it was just the blessed end of those quiet awkward moments and of the fear of the causing the other pain.

sadness of the world

Theres a sadness in your eyes that I can not comprehend. How could life be that unkind. The darkness seems swallow all that you hold dear.Your fears have constant and you dare not trust again. For all that you’ve been through you’ve learned that life is not fair.Your troubles have been many and no-one seems the care,but there’s a light in the distance that’s shining just for you. He understands all your fears. He’s your knight in shining armor and your prince of  peace. He’s with you everywhere. His peace is an anchor that you can hold onto in the darkest storms. He’s the one you’ve always dreamed of and the light in your darkest hour. His love holds all that you could ever need.

You once believed in love but found that commitment wasn’t there. Now you’re dreaming of days gone by when you didn’t understand. That one night of passion cost you everything. You dreamed of once upon a times and of happily everafters but found that sadness was everywhere. You dried your eyes and tried to move on but the darkness inside took hold of you. How could life be any different. How could God love you? He’s the light in the darkness and the prince of peace.He’s running after you. He’s all you ever dreamed of. He’s the blessing that you need. He holds the key of happiness and to truth.

There’s a sadness in his eye that none can comprehend. His life was far from ordinary. He had a father that rules over all. His mother was a simple girl.  He was born in a manger lowly, and his birth was foretold. He walked among the lowest sinners, talked to the sickest, and mentored the weak. The crowd which loved him, crucified him. He hung upon a cross to forgive all your sins. He wants to carry all you burdens and bury your shame. He wants to be the light of hope in your eye. He wants to be your daddy, and your prince of peace. He wants to concur the sadness of your world. So run to the light, for he’s waiting for you. He’s got the hope of the world, he just needs a messenger. He’s waiting at the cross for you.

The Ladybug Song

Ladybug on the window, showing me the blessings of Heaven. The birds in the sky, salt int the air, showing me your spring has arrived.

*verse* Your showers of blessing flow over me, drenching my body in love. Your love can sustain through the mountain’s pass, and over the stormy seas. Though the roads may be hard and the darkness surround, I can not forget when your mercy overcame me. *verse*

Ladybug on the window, showing me the blessings of heaven. The birds in the sky, salt in the air. Evidence that spring will soon be here.

*verse*  Through the light of the moon, I can feel your presence so dear. The star which you call by name, illuminate the rugged path. Though the sun was at it peak, the shadows ran down the tear stain path; while your son bled on the rugged cross. It was on the mountain’s crest that your mercy and love, conquered all of me. *verse*

So my spring has come, the shadows are gone, and mercy has set me free. The ladybug’s on the window, the birds in the sky, the salts in the air, and your my father once again.

Ladybug on the window, showing me the mercy of heaven. The birds in the sky, salt in the air, showing me that spring has arrived.

thank you song

Thank for the tears I’ve shed. thank you for the love I’ve had. thank you for giving me today. thank you the chance to prove you live.

For these tears are my story and the proof that you can take care of every lil thing. this love is the reason that I can belive in a better place. this day gives me a chance to change a fellow-man. the reason you came was for us to live.

Thank you for the bumps in the road, thank you for the rain that lands, thank you for the beauty in this land. thank you for the shelter of your wings. thank you for the eagles wings.

 For it’s upon the eagles wings that I can soar. it’s the bumps that have given me a reason to surrender to the fall. the rain reminds me to dance for you alone. the beauty gives me a reason to sing your praises. it’s under your wings that I hide when I can’t fly.

Thank you for the little moments each day. thank you for the baby’s cry. thank you for the love of my life. thank you for all that I must try. 

 It’s in the moments that I can smile the moments of life that make me walk that mile. its the baby’s cry that make me yearn to see them smile, to teach them that life is great that your love is free, that it’s each moment that we must live to the last. it’s in the challenge that we find our faith, the hardest road is the test of  life. this challenge is what makes life great.

Lord thank you for this lovely gift. thank you for all that you’ve done for me. thank you for being my daddy, lord. I thank you lord. ahhh. thank you lord.

love poems

American Dreamer

I’m an american dreaner, the american lover. the highest of flyers. i glide above the mountians high. i swim beheath the crashing waves. my love is constant my love is the glue that bonds all i hold dear. as i soar i hear all the cries of the broken hearted and all i sing their keening song from the moutains pricipice. i’m the ameican dreamer the american lover. i dance beheath the moonlight clear. i have a never ending passion. i dance and i sing to bare this soul of mine. america is mine and i am the lover of this land.

a winter dream

the stars shine so brightly above the cresant moon. i wonder if you see it and think of me as i think of you. the night is so terribly cold and i wonder what it’s like back at home. the solitude of this winter night makes me yearn for yester years when i was wrapped in you warm embrace. nights of passion and of tender words. a world where none but us existed. the warth of passion sufused my entire body. i felt every tingle. it felt as though spring was already here. the stars were so bright on those blessed nights. we were young but not yet old. we were filled with youthful lust. we thought that nothing could tear us apart. yet we let each other go. we said we changed but we just couldn’t deal with the relfection in the mirror. we never truely said goodbye. the night may yet hold passion for years to come.

what ever happened?

It’s the Jewel that can’t be got that is the most Beautiful.  Irish Proverb

for the past few months as my life has continued to get more and more complicated, i’ve wondered in the few quiet moments, what happened to the people who i was once close to. you know the 1st bff from elementry school, and the 1st few guys who i ever had a crush on. i wonder where they are now, what they look like, if they’re still the same people that i “knew”.

i remember my very first crush..at the tender age of 8 i had a crush on a 3rd grader who came to my 2nd grade class for reading due to his learning disability..michael had blonde hair, blue eyes, and was diabetic….at the time he still thought we girls were yucky but…. a crush is a crush. then came nick…i rode the afternoon bus with nick. he was 5-7th grade while i was 3-4th grade ( i was at a private school for those 2 yrs). he had the brown hair and eyes that i now favor. he was also quiet. once while he got off he shook my hand, and yes that hand did not get washed for a few days. our bus driver and the aide during those 2 yrs would joke ( at our expesnse) that they would have to talk to the princpal to see if they could convince the administration to allow nick and i a “lunch date”. i was devistated when i found out 1/2 way through 4th grade that nick would not be returning to the school after a break. then there came the guys in the youth group when i went from 5th grade into the youth group in 6ht grade….only 1 of the 3 guys (who all at the time that i had crushes on them were in the h.s group while i was in the middle school group) ever talked to me like a human, when they either found out about my crush on them or figured out that i had a crush on them, they mostly avoided me….the 1 that didn’t did so because after about a year i got the guts to write a note to him telling him of my feelings and asked him to not treat me in that maner due to it causing more pain then plain rejection.

then there are days when i wonder what happened to my 1st bff…erin was a navy brat and she and i attened the same class from kindergarden to 1st grade, we were split up during 2nd grade but had other means of communicating. erin’s dad was transfered to another base during 2nd grade…the day erin came to my class to say good bye i was out sick..i never saw or heard from her again….i wonder where she is and what shes like now…she and i were like sisters…we were both in the (k-1) highest reading and spelling group together and well…lets just say that when you have someone to compeate with you do better. we were also both barbie girls and to hint at my age….those “High Flyers” they were fairies that had a base that if you pulled the string the fairy would spin really fast then lift out of the base. were at the hips during class..one summer while we were both in summer school our teacher did a play on the rainbow fish, she pulled names out of a hat for the parts. the only 2 parts left were the rainbow fish and the little blue fish erin’s name got pulled before mine, making her the little blue fish….erin did not talk to me for 4 days she was so angery….i won her over after pointing out that in the book the little blue fish got my 1st scale and i promised to give her a big one that had the most glitter on it.

so what ever happened to these people, where are they now? those are questions to which i have no answer. i can just hope that where ever they are that they have every happyness that they could want and that they have been able to remain true to who they are, and to what they have become. if anyone of them read this…..good luck, i miss you.